The Stormy Present – Society

This is why we exist. I’m checking my mail and I see ’25 Best Sports Movies’. I proceed to click through the list and find that it includes documentaries and movies that aren’t actually sports movies. I love Caddyshack, but are you going to tell me that’s a sports movie just because it takes place on a golf course? By that logic Dazed and Confused is a sports movie since Randall “Pink” Floyd spends the whole movie wondering if he should play football or not. And Jerry Ma-fucking-Guire?!?! That movie is a chick flick that throws a head fake in the direction of a sports movie just to sucker in dudes who then have to sit through Bridget Jones’ Diary in order to enjoy the first 10 minutes (when he write his paper in the motel) and last 5 minutes (when Cuba scores a touchdown) of the entire movie.

So here goes our list of the Top 5 Sports Movies to show those yahoos at AOL (get it?) what’s up. Remember, a sports movie has to be driven by sports. It can’t just happen to have sports in it. And documentaries are documentaries; they are in their own category! With that in mind, here is the list:

Honorable Mention:

Tin Cup – Kevin Costner winds up in an inexplicable amount of great movies.

The Greatest Game Ever Played – Shia LeBouf is actually good in this one and it’s directed by Bill Paxton whom I apparently sound like.

The Legend of Bagger Vance – almost makes me want to play golf.

Raging Bull – easily the most artsy of all the sports movies.

Hoosiers – I’m like the only basketball fan that wouldn’t list this in the top 5, but it isn’t a movie I’ll drop everything to watch.

Slap Shot – hilarious movie about minor league hockey, what’s not to like.

Major League – it is easy to make fun of Cleveland.

Eight Men Out – amazing story of the shamed ‘Black Sox’ and how Shoeless Joe, from the SC Upstate, was not guilty.

White Men Can’t Jump – perfectly encapsulates playing basketball in the 90s.

Brian’s Song – everybody cries at the end.

All the Right Moves – absolutely the most underrated sports movie of all time. I don’t like all the new high school football movies because this one makes them look like junk. Basically it is about the star high school football player, Tom Cruise, clashing with a mean and irrational coach. I wasn’t a star athlete in high school, but if I was I would’ve been just like Cruise’s character. I love this movie.

The Top 5:

5. A League of Their Own – this is the Point Break of sports movies. It stars Madonna, Rosie O’Donnell, Lori Petty (who is in Point Break), and is directed by Penny Marshall. So by all accounts it should suck, but instead turns out to be a really, really good movie.

4. Rocky – I think you have to combine all the Rocky movies into one entity, which means you get the quality of the original mixed in with the crappiness of Rocky V and Rocky III.

3. Field of Dreams – the essence of baseball fandom is fully exposed in this movie and I get choked up not once, but twice in this flick. First, when Moonlight Graham has to cross over the foul line to save the daughter, which means he can’t go back to the game. And then when Costner gets to play catch with his dad. Unless you hate baseball or your dad, you have to love this movie.

2. Bull Durham – Field of Dreams gets to the essence of baseball fandom and this film captures the essence of why we like baseball in the first place. All the players want is to make it to ‘The Show’; they goof off, but love the game and play hard. They are superstitious, childish, and sometimes mean but the love of the game bonds them through it all. If the players are having that much fun, it’s impossible for the fans not to have fun.

1. Rudy – neither the AOL list nor the one on ESPN Page 2 (the people I wish I worked for) have Rudy at number 1, which is sacrilege! Seriously, there can be no other choice for number one. It is THE underdog story, it is THE football move, and if you don’t get misty when the crowd starts cheering his name you are a robot (Just Watch!). Of all the sports movies, this one makes the watcher identify with the main character, which makes his success inspirational and extremely personal. I can’t even fathom how anyone would argue against this as the best sports movie of all time. It’s craziness! Did I mention Jon Faveau is in it and weight 300 pounds? Or how about the fact that Rudy is about 5 foot 6 inches? If you are untalented and physically ungifted, then there is no way that you don’t love this movie because it makes you believe that you can beat the odds. I defy anyone to argue against Rudy as number 1.

I listed the Top 5 Indie Chicks a week ago and while it got a lot of hits it drew very few comments. I attribute that to the fact that maybe my desire for indie chicks is not shared by my friends who read this site. But that’s cool, different strokes for different folks (the first of several double entendres). Anyway, I decided to go more main stream and list the top 5 hottest female athletes, which turned out to be one of the hardest lists I’ve yet to compile (I warned you).

You may be thinking, ‘but Trey, that isn’t very original, ESPN does that like ever year’. True, but when national magazines or shows make their lists they always play up to their audience to the point that it ceases to be an objective analysis of athletic hotness and becomes nothing more than a marketing strategy. Also, they always throw in the one woman who isn’t hot but they feel the need to include her so as to not seem like complete chauvinists. But what I’m about to offer you is not prone to those shortcomings (a quasi double entendre, so a 1 and 1/2 entendre). Here’s how I’m adding a degree of objectivity to the subjective subject of hotness: the woman will be rated on a scale of 1-10 based on her athleticism, then rated on a scale of 1-10 based on her hotness, and those scores with be tabulated to create a number that accurately reflects which woman best combines athletic achievement with hotness. See, it’s all very scientific.

Having said that, my scientific research is affected by my personal bias in the two following ways: 1) there are no volleyball players on the list because my girlfriend is tall and if we have a daughter some day she’ll probably play volleyball, 2) Marisa Miller can’t be including in this list because she is the hottest woman on the planet (other than my afore mentioned girlfriend) and it wouldn’t be fair to the other contenders.

So here’s the list with the grade for athleticism shown first, followed by the grade for hotness, and then a brief remark:

5. Anna Kournikova 3 10 (the only 10 on the looks scale, but she was always more of a model than a tennis player)

4. Natalie Gulbis 6 8 (I don’t know anything about golf, so maybe her sports rating should be higher, but I’ve never heard her name brought up in relation to anything other than her good looks)

4. Hope Solo 6 8 (was great in net for the World Cup but may have had her confidence shaken by her coach’s ridiculous decision to pull her for the China game, which they lost)

4. Heather Mitts 6 8 (good soccer player, but the women’s U.S. soccer team is looking increasingly less dominant and she’s supposed to be one of the anchors of the team)

3. Jennie Finch 8 7 (possibly the best softball player ever and hot but looks accessible)

3. Danica Patrick 7 8 (finally won a race and does have a bunch of top 5 finishes and is also the only brunette on my list)

3. Lauren Jackson8 7 (two time MVP of the WNBA, plus she’s Australian so has a sexy accent)

2. Candace Parker 10 6 (best female basketball player ever and dates my boy Sheldon Williams from Duke)

1. Maria Sharapova8 9 (basically is Kournikova with talent)

I saw the new X Files movie the other day and it wasn’t terribly good. But I went to bed that night, woke up the next day, and its lack of direction or suspense were nothing more than a forgotten memory. Of course some movies are so God awful bad that they stain your life for extended periods of time and make you promise to yourself that if you see the person or persons responsible for that cinematic abortion that you will fight them until their body goes limp or the cops pull you off (X Men 3, Indiana Jones 4, etc). For the most part, however, movies only take about 2 hours out of your day and that sort of limited temporal investment means that their success of failure typically doesn’t impact your life for an extended period of time.

I noticed this fact because after being disappointed by X Files I went to my room to find something to read and noticed a couple of books that I’ve read or tried to read that piss me off to this day. I think because books require a great deal of time and effort to get through so if they suck then you are forever resentful towards it. Conversely, if a book is great you will spend the rest of your life trying in vain to convince your friends to read it. Since books can leave their mark on you for years and since I’m generally a curmudgeon, I thought it’d be interesting to list a couple of books that I’ve read and found to be so awful that when I pass them on my bookshelf I sneer at them.

It should be noted that I pretty much only read nonfiction and that when I say I hated a book it doesn’t mean that I didn’t agree with the argument. I read lots of books that I disagree with philosophically but I actually thoroughly enjoy those books. I mention this just to preempt any nay-sayers who might accuse me of being philosophically parochial in my reading. Alright, here’s my short list of awful books that I’ve read or tried to read but failed to finish because they were so terrible.

The World is Flat by Thomas Friedman

I bought this book because I like books about globalization and I like Friedman’s newspaper articles. The problem, though, is that newspaper articles are written on a 6^th grade level and despite the fact that he presents this book as some great insight on globalization it continues to operate on a 6^th grade level. Now I’m a big supporter or writing simply and accessibly but you do have to step up the intellectualism when you write a book. So The World is Flat comes off like a very, very, very long collection of newspaper articles that point out completely obvious ideas. Seriously, the bulk of the book is ‘how great is it that we have all this cool technology that allows us to communicate and interact with the world’ and then the conclusion is, ‘all our problems will eventually be solved by some new technology.’ Well not if scientists are as unimaginative and devoid of insight as Friedman.

A Tragic Legacy by Glenn Greenwald

Do you think President Bush has done a bad job? Have you watched the news over his Presidency? Then you could’ve written this book. Honestly, if you can look at Russia invading Georgia and think to yourself, ‘boy it’s going to be hard for the U.S. to condemn them because we don’t have the moral standing to tell them that fighting wars without U.N. consent is bad since we did just that’ then you have equaled the highest level of logic in Greenwald’s book. President Bush is not a good President, his actions have long lasting and troubling ramifications, and it springs from a black and white mentality that he forces upon an increasingly complex world. There, I summarized everything in A Tragic Legacy in one sentence and didn’t need to read the book to come up with that very basic observation.

The End of Poverty by Jeffery Sachs

Just look at the title of this book. What an ass! As I mentioned, I love books about globalization and economics but this book represents the very worst of that genre. It’s like evangelism for ultra liberals. Sachs is basically saying, ‘Hey me and Bono are gonna save the world with a super huge complex plan that we came up with so read my good and you can feel like you’re saving the world too’. The problem is that ultimately these huge overly complicated plans fail to actually meet the needs of the people they intend to help. Effective plans to combat poverty are actually homespun but that developmental truth isn’t ‘sexy’ and doesn’t sell books. What does sell books is the idea that through some grandiose plan implemented by the people who read these sorts of books (i.e. white people in the first world) poverty can not just be reduced but entirely erased. Well it may sell books, but it will also ensure that 50 years from now some idiot economist and douche bag rock star will still be able to write a book claiming to finally have a grandiose plan to end poverty because the Sach’s mentality will have stifled effective means to alleviate poverty.

Dark Star Safari by Paul Theroux

Anyone that enjoys traveling has fantasized about going from Cairo to Cape Town. This book details Theroux’s travels as he does just that. So the book should be good, but in fact within three chapters you can tell that it isn’t heading in that direction. Basically, it becomes a story about a middle aged guy with a lot of money traveling around describing markets, river cruises, and museums while relaying stories about the area that he read prior to getting there. So the book has about as much real adventure as a trip to the local mall. Anyone that knows what adventure is will end up putting this book down as soon as they realize that they could do a better job … or is that just me fantasizing again? Either way, unless you’re idea of roughing it is staying at a 3 star hotel when you go to Disney World, this book is a severe disappointment.

Well there you have it, 4 books to steer well clear of. Now I ask you to make the same sort of public service announcement by listing any books you’ve wasted your valuable time on in the comment section.

Back in grad school my roommate, who was getting his MA in creative writing, and I would get drunk and then come up with potential plots for sequels to movies that we liked (our idea for Point Break 2 was pure genius). It sounds crazy, but two drunk 20 somethings were able to come up with some pretty interesting stuff. And all of it was better than the twin turds of Indiana Jones 4 and X-Men 3. So I figure we should carry that tradition on here at the Society page.

Jim and I were talking about the new Batman movie, which was great except for the random allusion to FISA and telephonic spying, and started to wonder who the villain in the next movie would be. Jim mentioned reading something that suggested that Catwoman should be the next villain (they actually sort of allude to this in the movie when they mention his new suit being impervious to dogs but not cats) and that Angelina Jolie should play the role. My response to this idea: “brilliant.”

So here’s my pitch for the next Batman movie, and of course I encourage all of you to then pitch your own ideas or at least brainstorm some potential villains for future movies.

Batman is viewed as a sort of undesirable vigilante who’s existence is now seen as unnecessary since the Joker has been defeated. But as the police increase their focus on him the mob is given enough breathing space to regroup. They then manage to infiltrate the police force in the form of a S.W.A.T. team dedicated to the capture of Batman (done through a crooked deal with the Mayor who is under pressure from the people of the city to catch Batman). Jolie’s brother is a cop on the force who is outraged by the new anit-Batman S.W.A.T. team. He refuses to sell out to the mob or buy into the Batman hysteria and when he uncovers the shady deal the mob made with the Mayor they kill him. Distraught, Jolie decides to become Catwoman so as to avenger her bro.

The appearance of another super hero, however, only adds to the anti-vigilante sentiment. Batman and the Police Commissioner both struggle to deal with the fact that their job is Right and necessary, but that they are demonized for doing it. Why aren’t they appreciated, why is the Mayor leading the charge to capture him? Catwoman, on the other hand, embraces it. She revels in being demonized because she feels that it allows her the ability to resort to increasingly extreme measures to fight crime. When Batman finally encounters Catwoman he’s seduced by her extreme utilitarianism because she is able to operate without regard for what people think about her. Batman begins to question his morals and whether or not they’re holding him back and making his life unnecessarily harder.

But he realizes that the manner in which they fight crime is just as important as the results. If he abandons morality in order to achieve his goal, then even if he is able to eliminate crime in Gotham he will have failed. Meanwhile, Catwoman has become so obsessed with fighting crime and avenging her brother that her methods are now as brutal as the criminals she fights. So much so that she now doesn’t care about civilian casualties so long as the bad guys get caught (sacrificing some to save many).

Finally, to eliminate corruption in the police force and City Hall, Catwoman comes up with a plan to lure most of the cops in Gotham to one spot and then blow them all up. Her idea is that without a police force she and Batman can be the only dispensers of justice, which is desirable since they are not corrupted. Batman, believing that this would be immoral has to try and stop her. Ultimately, he does stop her but in the process winds up in an prone position in front of the gathered cops and onlookers. The Commissioner then delivers a speech to convince the people that Batman is the greatest of heroes because the only person he is willing to sacrifice in the pursuit of justice is himself. Batman is redeemed as a hero.

So there you have it, a plausible and I think quality idea for the next Batman movie. It’s got everything: moral dilemmas, Jolie as the seductive bad girl that Batman is attracted too but then has to fight when he realizes that morals are too important to be totally abandoned,  and allusions to the war on terrorism. Could be a quality flick. But let me know what you think of my idea and throw out your own in the comment section.

So we have this link to the Stuff White People Like website, which is very funny. And as I’m listening to iTunes on random a song came up that made me think of something that white people (including myself) really like and that would make for a good top 5 list on this site. The song that came up was H.W.C. by Liz Phair, which I included in my Celebrity Playlist. (By the way, this post is going to the dirtiest post on our website thus far and will probably anger all our girlfriends. If that frightens you read no further). If you don’t know, Liz Phair is an Indie rocker chick and the song H.W.C. stands for Hot White Cum. I know right?!?! Anyway, Liz Phair is hot and, given her song lyrics, open about the sort of stuff that ‘good girls’ don’t dare mention.

So listening to that song I realized that one thing that white people, or at least white guys, like is INDIE CHICKS. Speaking for myself, I LOVE indie chicks. I even date one and I can tell you that it rocks. Especially when you live in the South and are surrounded by stuffy debutants that all wear polka dot dresses and think the movie Shag summarizes the ideal life, you start to seek out chicks that wear vintage clothes, are intellectual, independent minded, and aren’t afraid to tell you that your taste in music/movies/etc is gay and just generally will call you out on your bullshit and want you to call them out on theirs. That’s the ideal woman I think.

So since white guys like Indie chicks I figured that us white guys who read and/or write for this site should come up with the top 5 indie chicks.

Ok, to be ranked highly on our list the girls should be a defiantly independent woman who is far from the status quo and, obviously, super hot in a way that is sort of atypical. So they might be a musician that sings Indy songs, an actress that does Indy films, a famous person that is not beautiful by typical standards, or someone that is famous and in the mainstream but in her personal life seems to shrug off the usual auspices of fame and normalcy. Is that clear enough? Anyway, here’s my list and then I hope you’ll get the idea and throw out some of your own names.

Maggie Gyllenhaal – sure she’s in the new Batman movie and a well known actress, but there’s something about her looks that make her hot in a non-typical way. For one she slouches a lot.

Gwen Stefani – maybe she’s sold out but she’s still hot and probably still a bad ass. And you know she is independent minded since she insists on this Japanese infatuation despite the fact that it makes her seem crazy weird.

Hope Solo – she’s the goalie for the U.S. Women’s Soccer team who was replaced by another goalie that was way past her prime and the U.S. lost. She then spoke her mind about how dumb the coach’s move to not start her in net was, which makes her an indie chick in my mind, and took a bunch of shit for her statements despite being completely right.

Neko Case – really sums up what an authentic indie chick should be; red hair, pale skin, sings crazy weird songs (alt country) that are amazingly good and her voice can only be described as piercingly beautiful. Honestly, her voice is like the siren song. For my money, her music is brilliant and as far as talent goes she is number one.

Liz Phair – the inspiration of this post, so of course she’s numero uno. Mainly she gets the nod over Neko because I like blondes. But seriously, just look at her picture and then listen to H.W.C. and if you don’t want to oblige her ‘desire’ then you are insane. She is a slammin hottie who doesn’t take shit from anyone and is dirty without remorse. She has to win hands down.

Ok, so those are the top 5 indie chicks that I could come up with, but obviously I welcome suggestions as I’m sure I’ve left out a ton of super hot, atypically beautiful, independent minded, free spirited, badass women.