President Richard Nixon was famous, or perhaps infamous, for having an extensive enemies list. He kept the list and then used his accrued power to punish those unfortunate enough to find themselves on it. While I don’t aspire to be like President Nixon, I do think that I have some of his qualities within me (after all, he went to Duke Law School).

I do, however, idolize Ernest Hemingway. Hemingway famously dismissed fellow writers and openly criticized their work. He and F. Scott Fitzgerald became friends in Paris as ex-pats, but there friendship was famously tumultuous. It is alleged that at one point the two got into a fist fight. Not surprising given Hemingway’s cantankerous nature.

As for me, I sit here today a splendiferous and world renowned hater. I am old school to a fault. I hate just about everything that defines the age in which I live. In academic terms I suppose I’d be described as a neo-luddite but in the parlance of our times I think the best phrase to describe me is “a hater.” My friends can testify to this mindset and I gladly embrace it as it allows me to be both honest and interesting; two things that are sadly in short order these days.

So it is with great excitement that I would like to announce the creation of The Stormy Present Enemies List.

The intention of this list is simple: to identify people (or even inanimate objects) that are so unbelievably terrible human beings (or inanimate objects) that if we saw them (or it) walking down the street we would challenge them to a fist fight.

This, I believe, combines the organized anger of President Nixon with the brash, fist fight loving nature of Hemingway.

Here’s how I intend for this to work:

Submission à A writer will post an article under the title “Enemies List Submission: (insert person or object)”. They will then explain why the person/object deserves to be on our master enemies list. Note that submission of a person/object is very serious as you are implying that we should challenge this person/object to a fight if we see them. Also note that the persons or object’s size, athletic prowess, gender, age, etc will not be taken into account. Thus, if someone is on the list and you then see that person on the street, you must challenge them to a fight even if doing so will probably lead to you being severely beaten or you being publically scorned for beating up a woman/old person/etc. In short, this is serious business and submissions should therefore be carefully considered.

Ratification à Commenters must then ratify the submission. Commenters (in the comment section of the post) will analyze the argument and then either state “I’ve got your back” or “you’re on your own”. If three people of high regard (ie regular readers and/or creators/contributors to this site) ‘get your back’ then the person/object is listed on the official Stormy Present Enemies List.

Consequence à Once a person/object is listed on the official Enemies List, you, as a devoted reader/contributor to The Stormy Present are bound by honor to challenge the person/object to a fight if by chance you encounter them in any setting of life. You are only excused from challenging them to a fist fight if you vehemently objected to the submission but were outvoted. Otherwise, if you submitted the name or ratified it you are strictly bound by honor to challenge the person/object to a fist fight if you encounter them regardless of physical or reputable damage that you may incur by fighting this person/object; no exceptions.

I will make the first submission some time this week. We will then see if you, our dear friends and readers, are man enough to take a stand against douche bagery.

p.s. I suggest you start exercising regularly